How is empathy “transmitted” in this way? When parents respond to their children’s distress in a caring and understanding way, they give children a model for how to respond to the distress of others. Friendships in adolescence can give children the opportunity to practice and hone the empathy skills they learned from their parents in childhood. Researchers describe these friendships as a “training ground” for learning about empathy. In other words, when children have the opportunity to practice skills like validating emotions and providing comfort to others in their teenage friendships, these skills become stronger and more effective.
This study was limited, and more research is needed on this topic. It was a relatively small, correlational study (meaning we don’t know if empathy in fathers actually contributes to empathy in children, just that they are associated). This study also focused only on mother-child interactions, so future research should include fathers. Finally, this study did not address the degree to which empathy is passed on due to genetics or the modeling of empathy shown to you by your parents (it’s likely a combination of both).
However, even with these limitations, these findings are interesting because they suggest that empathy can be transmitted across three generations: from parents to adolescent children and then to the third generation of children. It also suggests that friendships in adolescence can provide practice for being empathetic in adult relationships, including the parent-child relationship.
General translation
The big lesson we can take away from this is that the empathy we show our children can ultimately help them grow into empathetic adults who will, in turn, be more empathetic to our grandchildren. How exactly do we show empathy to our children? This study has broken empathy down into three components, and understanding each of them can provide concrete guidance for showing empathy to our children:
1. Emotional commitmentPay attention to what your child is feeling and/or showing with his or her body, give him or her time to talk or show his or her emotions, ask follow-up questions to better understand his or her emotions, and use active listening (translation: reflect back what you hear him or her say or show with his or her actions, such as: “It seems like you’re angry because your brother won’t let you pass your turn”). Turn your body toward your child and make eye contact. Show genuine interest in his or her emotions.
2. Understand the problem:Acknowledge that it is a problem (rather than minimizing it by saying something like “it’s no big deal”), help your child engage in problem-solving, talk about the problem and try to find a solution together, show your child that you are committed to finding a solution, and consider his or her needs when finding solutions.
3. Emotional support:Acknowledge that your child is distressed, express that you understand his or her feelings, name them, ask questions that may elicit additional emotions, clearly show warmth, concern and sympathy when talking about your child’s emotions.
By adopting these behaviors that express empathy, your children will learn to show the same to others. However, we all know that empathy is more than just a set of behaviors. To quote author Brené Brown in her book Dare to do something big“Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s simply about listening, giving space, refraining from judgment, connecting emotionally, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You are not alone.’”
Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, mother of three, and founder of Parenting Translatora nonprofit newsletter that translates scientific research into accurate, relevant, and useful information for parents.
