Content warning: This article discusses pregnancy, miscarriage, and infant loss.
It was almost two years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the bathroom when I saw something terrifying: blood.
As a 37-year-old cisgender woman, blood was usually no big deal. This was scary because I was seven weeks pregnant. When you get pregnant, you know that loss is a possibility, but you never imagine having an abortion in a high school bathroom on a Thursday morning.
I realized I couldn’t do anything. Twenty-four eighth graders were waiting for me in my classroom. I had to face a harsh reality: I was probably losing my son, and yet I had to return to my classroom.
I know I am not alone in this experience.
It is estimated that 25% of pregnancies end in loss, and as teaching is a profession dominated by female identification, pregnancy loss is likely to impact the lives of many teachers.
However, many overcome the loss and continue teaching because they feel a deep sense of responsibility toward their students, feel guilty for taking time off, or lack the support to care for themselves. While my administration would have supported me taking time off, the idea seemed impossible: I was physically capable of doing my job, so I felt like I still needed to do it.
As conversations about pregnancy loss evolve, more people are speaking out about their experiences and sharing resources.
This includes Dr. Amanda Pinkham-Brown, an educator and researcher at East Carolina University. After a career in K-12 education, Pinkham-Brown started a new job and prepared to write a dissertation about teacher unionization efforts and burnout.
Then he received terrible news. She writes in her dissertation: “At 36 weeks and 3 days, my husband and I tragically discovered that our daughter had no heartbeat. Three days later, after a long induction, she was stillborn. I had the impossible task of meeting and saying goodbye to my first child that same devastating day.”
As a result of this terrible loss, Pinkham-Brown also had to face her employment situation. He was not yet entitled to paid leave and felt that working would be better than staying home. Still, that meant going to work two weeks after giving birth, surrounded by people she didn’t know and who hadn’t known her when she was pregnant.
The experience was “surreal,” she recalls, and as the focus of her work changed, Pinkham-Brown pivoted to consider how her experience was reflected in the education system. “I was wondering, what does it feel like to operate within this system when you’re going through a difficult time?” she shares. “How does the system support you or not?” So, Pinkham-Brown collected stories from 43 teachers and interviewed 5 to better understand their journey dealing with pregnancy loss as educators.
Pinkham-Brown’s research is a powerful tool for considering how school communities can support teachers experiencing pregnancy loss. He discussed his findings and provided recommendations and resources.
What are some of the particular struggles teachers face during pregnancy loss?
Through her research, Dr. Pinkham-Brown identified unique challenges faced by teachers who experience pregnancy loss while working in a school.
Not all grief strategies are feasible for people who work in a school.
“I read a lot of management and human resources literature about grief and pregnancy loss in the workplace. As I read articles about how to support people, I kept crossing things off the list: ‘Well, you can’t do that in a school; You can’t do that as a teacher.’ Most recommendations are things like assigning low-stress tasks or allowing hybrid work. All these flexible things are very difficult to do in a school.”
It’s not always possible to compartmentalize your emotions at school.
“Your window of tolerance is also much lower, so things that might have bothered you a little are now pushing you completely over your threshold and there is often no way to catch a break. There is also the stimulating nature of working with children. For some it is useful, but for others it is really difficult. One woman said watching her students run into their parents’ arms would break her heart. It is a very emotional job and we love being teachers; It’s part of our identity, so when these things come together, there’s also the guilt of feeling like you’re not giving it your all.”
The healing process is also physically demanding.
“Pregnancy loss is a very mentally draining experience and, for many people, physically draining. You’re trying to find a minute to stuff cabbage on top because you’re losing milk because there’s no baby to breastfeed, while your students are waiting for you. You are grieving, you are leaking and bleeding in a world where “messy” female bodies are already stigmatized. “It’s a special kind of horror.”
What surprised you about your findings?
Dr. Pinkham-Brown shared these observations and patterns from her research that offer insight into the experiences of teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss.
Many teachers had positive stories of compassion to share.
“I was actually surprised by how many good experiences people had. I expected everyone to have a horror story (there are horror stories), but almost everyone had a story of a beautiful connection they made. One woman said, “Now I’m never going to leave my school because of how wonderful everyone was.” People shared stories of co-workers coming over with flowers, assistant principals covering classes, or superintendents advocating for them to get an actual license. “It was encouraging to see that even though systems can be hostile, some people can still retain their humanity and have space for others.”
Staff and leadership can make a powerful difference.
“There was also no clear indicator of what would indicate a more positive experience at a school. There was no correlation between primary versus secondary or public versus private versus charter. It really came down to staff and leadership. The type of culture a school had affected the experience.”
How can schools and administrators better support educators experiencing pregnancy loss?
Schools are not always equipped with the best support for teachers when they experience pregnancy loss. Here are simple things they can do to make these teachers feel seen and supported, according to Dr. Pinkham-Brown.
Understand and support the need for free time.
“People use up their sick leave to take care of themselves or are afraid of using it up if they get pregnant again. Even people who had positive experiences said they wish there were better leave policies or if miscarriage qualified as medical leave or bereavement leave, and bereavement leave is only three days. I saw that people who could easily access licenses had more positive experiences.
“Also, make sure you support the license. If the person on leave is still receiving messages to enter grades or explain subplans, that can be really problematic. If someone else can write subplans or manage things, schools or administrators should take care of that.”
Ask how you can support their transition back to work.
“Do you want to tell people or not? Offering to manage the communication for them can be helpful since many of them didn’t want to share the story eight times in a row. That’s a huge piece that leadership can take out of people’s hands.”
Remember: recognition matters.
“Just acknowledging this moment of grief and that it is a great loss can be helpful. Especially in the case of miscarriages, people can feel very invisible. It is important to recognize that, no matter what, this is a terrible experience. In reality, research shows that there is no tangible difference in grief based on the gestational age of the lost child. So saying things like “at least it was early” or “at least you can get pregnant again” can hurt. Not only are they grieving, but they are now beating themselves up because they believe they shouldn’t be sad.
“We can also reflect on the type of activities we do. We never know who is going through a loss. Something like a baby shower at work meetings, which everyone now has to attend, is not neutral for everyone.
“Finally, be understanding. Sign up and see what they want because it is very individual how someone wants to be treated. Listening to them without judging them is important. We don’t want to assume what people feel. Simply giving them space and asking how they are doing can be powerful.”
What do you want to share with teachers who have experienced or may experience pregnancy loss?
Jackie Mancinelli, who runs Start Healing Together, works with teachers to help them work with administrators, return to work or plan infertility treatments. She is a resource that teachers should know about.
Here is Mancinelli’s advice for teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss or who may experience it in the future:
If you can say goodbye, take it.
“Many people said they were afraid to take time off or could think of many reasons not to, but then they wished they had taken the time off. Our jobs are physical and emotional, and this loss is also physical and emotional. So while not everyone can do it, if you can take time off to take care of yourself, you should.”
Find someone who can support you, even if it’s just one person in the building who can be an ally or just sit with them.
“Finding someone who can help them is important so they feel less alone.”
Give yourself a break.
“This is the best thing you can do, especially immediately after asking for help. See if someone else can write the subplans for you or help you manage things so you can really focus on yourself. “It makes a big difference.”
In her dissertation, Pinkham-Brown writes that she and her support group “rejected the notion that everything happens for a reason and instead embraced the idea of creating our own meaning from our losses. “There is no silver lining to my daughter’s death, but I want good in the world because of her death.” Her research is an important and powerful reminder and resource for all of us as we create a kinder, more supportive, and more inclusive space for those experiencing pregnancy loss.
